To Wean or Not to Wean?

It makes sense that we wrestle with this question as extended breastfeeding moms, right?

You're nearing that one-year mark a lot of times. That was your goal. Or maybe six months was your goal, and then you hit it, and you're like, "maybe we'll go a little longer."

Or maybe two years was your goal, and now you're headed towards it thinking, "I think we need to wean now... I think." One day you feel like, "Yes, we're definitely weaning, this has to happen," and the next day you're like, "Actually, I kind of love it still," or "my child really seems to need it."

And it can feel really super messy.

And it makes sense — emphatically, you are not alone in this. This mental tug of war is draining, it's exhausting, and so many moms come to me saying "I know I need to wean" and then, very soon into the conversation, "well... maybe I don't. I'm not sure."

Getting Past the Black-and-White Thinking

The reality is that we get stuck in black-and-white thinking a lot around parenting — and around breastfeeding in particular. And it starts before you even have your baby, right?

Formula versus breast milk. Breast versus bottle. These narratives are really in our faces early, early on. And it feels like we have to choose one or the other. It feels like there is a who is right and who is wrong.

And then it becomes: "Am I going to let my child self-wean, or am I going to use mother-led weaning?" We've just swapped the labels, but the same wrestling match is happening underneath. We attribute some morality to it. One's right, one's wrong, one's good, one's bad.

I actually want to step away from all of those dichotomies.

The Real Choice Isn't What You Think

The options aren't child-led versus mother-led. The options are actually:

• Weaning right now, or weaning later

• Beating yourself up over the choices you've made, or meeting yourself with compassion

The real choice is: self-aggression or self-kindness.

And here's what's interesting about that — in this paradigm, you don't even have to choose whether or not to wean. Because whether you choose to fully wean, night wean, change up your daytime routine, bring in a partner for bedtime, or just stay exactly where you are right now... the ingredients you need to get to that desired outcome are the same.

Oftentimes we have this idea that "I don't need to reach out for support until I want to wean." So we push off the conversations — whether that's DMing me, talking to a friend, or making a plan with your spouse — until we are sure we're ready.

But if we look at it through this paradigm of self-aggression or self-kindness, the choices you make right now will serve you now and serve you when it's time to wean. You'll be able to move through those changes with so much more grace, more calm, and a much deeper connection with your child.

What Self-Aggression Actually Looks Like

So what does self-aggression actually look like in day-to-day life?

Late-Night Googling for Answers

Why is that self-aggression? Because underneath it is this belief that you're not enough. You're just trying to grab onto something. That action, that process, is really highlighting this belief that you have to fix yourself.

Trying All the Tips and Hacks

Trying all of the Pinterest and Instagram parenting tips and hacks to make your day go better — because you are just trying to fix yourself, because you believe you are not enough.

"I'll Do Better Tomorrow"

Feeling so stressed that you acted harshly with your child, and then telling yourself you'll do better tomorrow. That's self-aggression, because you're trying to prove your worth through your actions. If I just do better, then I will be enough.

Regretting the "Bad Habits"

Regretting the bed-sharing, not introducing a bottle earlier, only ever doing bedtime yourself... when you have those regrets, you're telling yourself over and over again that you are a failure.

And even if that's not the conscious thought you're working with in that moment, that is often what is underlying those thoughts.

This belief that you're not enough. That you have to do more.

Here's the Thing About Self-Aggression...

If anyone else treated you like that — like a boss who kept telling you over and over that you're not enough and made you prove your worth — we would consider that pretty abusive and toxic.

And yet, we do it to ourselves, with this belief that it's going to make us work harder.

The antidote to your mistakes or your shortcomings isn't to tell yourself you have to be more. It's actually to just love yourself where you're at.

That is self-kindness.

What Self-Kindness Actually Looks Like

Talking to Yourself Like You'd Talk to a Friend

Imagine if your child came to you and said they weren't enough, or they were a failure. What would your heart do?

You'd be moved with compassion. You'd say something like:

"Oh, love, it makes sense that you feel that way. Yeah, that didn't go the way you wanted it to. You messed up — of course you feel like a failure. But honey, you're just learning. You haven't done this before."

That's the voice. Not "well, you'll do better next time, try harder, be better." But that love, that friendship, that kindness.

It can be hard if we've never really interacted with that kind of kindness before — it takes time to develop this if you're not used to it. And it makes sense. That's what a lot of us grew up with. Self-aggression was probably our only strategy as children, because it was the only thing we could control.

But now you're a grown-up. You can make changes. And by changes, I don't mean changes to make yourself better — I mean changes to love yourself.

Being Truthful About Your Internal Experience

"That happened because I felt really, really awful in that moment. That happened because I didn't feel like I was enough."

Not, "that happened because I'm not enough and I need to be better." You can be honest about what's here, see it, and then show up for yourself in that moment.

Creating and Holding Healthy Boundaries

This one can be tricky, because sometimes we move into wanting to control other people just to make ourselves feel better. But healthy personal boundaries from a self-kindness perspective means saying:

I need to do this for me. I am doing this for me.

Here's something important: you cannot make everyone around you feel good all the time. If you believe that's your job, you are always going to feel like a failure — because it's impossible. You cannot know another person's experience, and you cannot stop them from having a not-so-comfortable emotion every once in a while.

When you set a healthy personal boundary, you set it — and then you create space for that person to have whatever experience they're going to have. You can offer them kindness. You can check in. Hey, how are you feeling?

And that same kindness you're learning to offer yourself... you can offer to the people around you too.

Lovingly Meeting Your Needs — Big Picture and Moment to Moment

This is a play on a KC Davis quote, but: the structures and rhythms in your life exist to serve you. You don't exist to serve them.

If in a moment they're not working for you, that's okay. Meet your needs in that moment. From that place — from having your needs met more of the time — you'll have the capacity to show up for your little one.

What Do You Want Your Child to Learn?

Just looking back at this self-aggression versus self-kindness piece — what do you want your child to grow up having as their internal experience?

Do you want them to get stuck in self-aggression? Or do you want them to maybe feel it for a moment, and then know how to offer themselves kindness?

I know it's true for me: I really want to give my kids the tool of self-kindness. But how could I ever give that to them if I haven't worked through it myself?

So... Back to Weaning

When we're talking about weaning, when we're talking about breastfeeding — moving from that self-aggression piece is what will kick off the Toddler Breastfeeding Stress Spiral. And the antidote to that is self-kindness.

So it doesn't really matter where you're at — whether you truly want to wean or you don't. If you're feeling conflicted, and if this resonated with you, I would suggest you focus on the self-kindness first. Don't make any decisions about any other piece. Just start there.

It's Like a Muscle

Self-kindness and self-compassion — it's a muscle you're working.

I've been doing oral facial myology (basically physiotherapy for your tongue — more on that another day!), and when I started, I was mortified by how bad I was at the exercises. I thought it was going to take me forever.

But within two or three days? Those exercises suddenly felt easy. Now I want to do them. I feel like a total badass.

That is how it is with self-kindness too. It's not a magic switch. But it's probably going to feel easier faster than you think — once you start.

You need to start, though.

This Is the Work We Do Inside Own Your Breastfeeding Story

Self-kindness is a huge piece of what I teach inside of Own Your Breastfeeding Story. It is really the work — because you can learn a concept, but it takes practice to have the capacity to reach for that self-kindness in the moments when you need it.

We do hit the practical too, don't worry. But I promise you: the practical becomes so much easier when you're doing it from a place of self-kindness. It falls into place so much faster, and you won't be self-sabotaging all the time.

Because if everything you do is coming from self-aggression — even with the best intentions — you will be kicking off the Toddler Breastfeeding Stress Spiral. That's why we start here.