An Overwhelmed Parents Guide: Toddler Breastfeeding & Weaning While the World Is on Fire

I don’t usually address current events, because, well... that’s not why you became a part of my community.

But we aren’t breastfeeding in a vacuum. The world around us influences how breastfeeding plays out, whether we are aware of it or not.

The world at large (and maybe your individual world) have a lot of scary things happening right now. (What else is new, amiright?) It’s easy for your social media feeds to feel like a never-ending stream of information that puts you on edge, to say the least. Whether the recent never-ending barrage of how screen time is ruining your children and all the things that are trying to kill us every day (no? Just my algorithm?) or it’s highly disturbing excerpts from “the files,” ...it feels heavy. It feels weird. It feels unsettling.

And if you’re one of the many overwhelmed parents trying to navigate toddler breastfeeding or weaning in the middle of all of it? I want you to know something: breastfeeding (heck, parenting in general) wasn't meant to be this hard.

In this post, I’m going to share a bit of my own story (it’s a lot, and there’s a content warning before that section), and then walk you through the practical, nervous-system tools that have personally helped me breastfeed, wean, and parent through seasons when my world felt like it was burning to the ground.

My Story: Breastfeeding Through Crisis After Crisis

Content warning: This section contains references to birth trauma, spiritual abuse, and familial sexual abuse. I share these things not for sympathy, but because I want you to know that I have lived this. If any of these topics feel like too much for you right now, please skip this section (Click here to jump ahead)

Take care of yourself first. Always.

I feel uniquely qualified to talk about this and the impact it might be having on your breastfeeding journey. Because I’ve lived it.

In 2019 I was breastfeeding a 2-year-old, and I was pregnant.

And I was face-to-face with the reality that the arrogant and selfish actions of the doctor who delivered my daughter were traumatizing to me emotionally and mentally. I was having horrible nightmares and panic attacks. And the lies they wrote in my chart the day my daughter was born meant that I was being told by medical providers that I was unable to deliver vaginally with my son.

As much as I knew what they wrote wasn’t true, I also knew I was just one pregnant woman (going through a LOT) standing up against an entire medical system that was protecting its own.

While I was wrestling with how to navigate that situation, I learned of news that forever changed how I viewed my childhood and family. I don’t want to disclose too much here, but there was a person in my family who had committed sexual crimes against many other family members. Everything I knew about my world felt shattered and strange, and I didn’t know how to find solid ground again. My whole world was being deconstructed, whether I liked it or not.  I was just starting to find my new normal when…

…the world shut down. Almost 6 years ago to the day, I was breastfeeding a 3-year-old and a 5-month-old when the first lockdown happened in 2020.  Everything felt surreal. There was anger. There was fear. There was relief. There was pain.

During that time, I ended up confronting the spiritual abuse I had endured and permanently left a community I had always known and relied on.   I also went no-contact with a number of family members. While it was necessary… I also felt like I was floating. I had lost a huge sense of who I was and the steady gravity that I had taken for granted. And through it all, my marriage was feeling the strain. 

Does any of that sound familiar?

Maybe there are political things you are experiencing. Maybe you are going through a divorce. Maybe you have moved and lost your community. Maybe you have received news that has rocked you. Maybe you or someone you love has a diagnosis that you never thought would happen in your world.

It doesn’t really matter what the specifics are.

But that “world on fire, I feel like I am living in a nightmare and just want someone to wake me up” sensation? It’s real.So... what does all of this have to do with breastfeeding? More than you might think.

Why Overwhelmed Parents Struggle More with Toddler Breastfeeding

Here is what I want you to know: living in a world that is on fire turns up the dial on your stress. And that stress doesn’t just stay “out there.” It follows you into every breastfeeding session, every bedtime, every moment you sit down with your toddler at the breast.

When your brain is picking up more “scary/danger” cues than “safety” cues in your day-to-day environment, everything gets harder. Research published in the National Library of Medicine has linked maternal psychological distress with more difficult breastfeeding experiences and earlier breastfeeding cessation. This isn’t a personal failing. It’s physiology.

The Toddler Breastfeeding Stress Spiral

For overwhelmed parents who are still breastfeeding a toddler, that stress can show up in some very specific (and very frustrating) ways:

1) More (and more easily triggered) “touched out” feelings. When your nervous system is already on high alert, the physical demand of breastfeeding can feel almost unbearable.

2) Less access to the “grown up” parts of your brain. So it’s harder to think (brain fog, anyone?) and you are more likely to be reactive (i.e., screaming, punishing, etc.). This is not a character flaw. This is what happens when your stress response is running the show.

3) You’re more sensitive to the words of others around you. So those comments from your well-meaning family members? The ones about how “maybe it’s time to wean”? They’re likely to induce a gnawing sense of anxiety that you might not feel otherwise. (Sound familiar? I wrote more about navigating that kind of judgment in this post.)

This means that the “toddler breastfeeding stress spiral” is probably intensified for you as an overwhelmed parent. You might be trying to set boundaries more (maybe thinking that if you just night wean, you’ll get better sleep and feel less stressed)... and your toddler is also likely to be wanting to breastfeed more.

Why Your Toddler Wants to Breastfeed More (and Why Your Brain Blames Breastfeeding)

This happens for a couple of reasons:

When the world feels like too much, sometimes our brains try to pin the “source” of your discomfort on something that you can control.

Sometimes this is internalized as shame (“I’m a terrible parent. I should have weaned a long time ago. This is all my fault.”)

OR it can be externalized and projected onto your little one (“They are just so difficult. If they would just wean everything would be better. They are a little dictator demanding to breastfeed and throwing tantrums.”)

Neither of those things is true. But when you’re in the thick of never-ending stressors they feel very, very real.

Nursing Aversion and the Fear You Can’t Protect Them

There’s one more piece I want to name here, because I think it’s one of the most misunderstood experiences overwhelmed parents have.

You can do a pretty good job of numbing out and/or distracting yourself from all of the feelings that these things have stirred up. But when you sit down to breastfeed, you see their innocent, vulnerable face... and all of the fears bubble up to the surface.

In an effort to not feel how scary it is to feel like you cannot protect them (and to protect yourself from all the vulnerability you carry in these “world on fire” situations), it can come out as nursing aversion, or the urge to shove your child off your breast, or that “skin crawling” feeling when they latch.

It’s not that you don’t love them. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from the weight of all that vulnerability.

(If you’re navigating nursing aversion or intense feelings while breastfeeding, my free workshop walks you through 3 steps to compassionate toddler breastfeeding boundaries and weaning without burnout, battles, or hurting your bond.)

What Overwhelmed Parents Can Do: Reduce Danger Cues, Increase Safety Cues

Okay, so how can you break out of this cycle and deal with these root issues?

Well, I’m glad you asked.

I don’t have time in this blog post to dig deeply into the science behind all of this, so you will kind of have to trust me… but what is feeling so unsettling is that your brain is picking up more “scary/danger” cues than “safety” cues in your day-to-day environment.

According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on parental mental health, 48% of parents say their stress is completely overwhelming most days. (Compared to 26% of adults who were not parents... and that was from 2 years ago, which oddly feels like simpler times.) If you’re feeling that your stress is completely overwhelming, you are far from alone.

There are 2 things you can do about this: reduce danger cues and increase safety cues.

How Overwhelmed Parents Can Reduce Danger Cues

Scroll less on social media. Maybe delete it for a time, or block certain accounts and people. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between reading about something scary and living it.

Google less. (Yeah, I’m guilty of this one. I promise, more information flooding your brain is not the answer.)

Talk less about the things that have set your world on fire. It can be hard, but you can say, “Hey, I’d like to take a break from this subject for a bit.” This includes talking about breastfeeding and weaning if those in your life are not particularly supportive.

Choose to put decisions about big and little changes aside for a time. Maybe don’t put your toddler in their own room just yet. Or, you know, move houses during a pandemic with a toddler and an infant like I did. (Don’t recommend it.)

I want to acknowledge that being able to reduce danger cues in your environment is a privilege that not everyone has. But most people can increase some safety cues, even in the smallest ways.

How to Increase Safety Cues (Even on the Hardest Days)

Increasing safety cues is about giving your nervous system evidence that, right here, right now, you are okay. This is rooted in polyvagal theory (Dr. Stephen Porges’ research), which is the science of how our nervous systems read safety and danger cues in our environment.

Here are some that I have personally used:

Look at something green or go outside. Fresh air and nature are some of the simplest, most effective nervous system regulators we have.

Notice that the ground beneath you is stable and that your body still continues to breathe and keep you alive. (Jasmine Wilder at The Tiny Joy Project has amazing posts on increasing safety cues, by the way.)

Shop in person or go for a walk where there are people. Make eye contact and smile. This one is so simple and it truly works. Human beings are social, and just that little smile from a stranger can do massive work in settling your nervous system and helping you feel safe and grounded.

Use all of your favourite grounding techniques. Think of your 5 senses. In fact, when I was in the hospital after my son was born in 2019, I made a “post birth plan” that was all about safety from my 5 senses. In my hospital room I had: a soft, cozy blanket to touch. Twinkle lights to look at. My favourite drinks to taste. Music to listen to on a bluetooth speaker. (I even had this in the OR for my c-section.)

Laughter. A rom-com you love, a hilarious cat video (just don’t start the scroll again after!).

Set a timer for even 5 minutes to get on the floor and play with your child, even if it feels like pulling teeth. (I know. I have been there too.) Those moments of connection are safety cues for both of your nervous systems, and spending time in play with your kids can be one of the most regulating things you do all day.

(Want a simple tool to help structure your toddler’s day and reduce meltdowns? Grab the free toddler visual schedule here.)

Completing the Stress Cycle: A Game Changer for Overwhelmed Parents

Lastly, there is one more way that you can break out of the toddler breastfeeding stress spiral and successfully breastfeed, wean, and parent while your world is on fire, and that is “completing the stress cycle.” This is something I learned from Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.

Essentially, when you are stressed, you don’t just feel stress as an abstract emotion. You actually experience stress physiologically in your physical body. It’s a chemical cascade. And just because you try to stuff it down and ignore it doesn’t mean it goes away. In fact, it can build up to the point of burnout. (And you can be essentially bedridden for a year… ask me how I know.)

But all is not lost. You CAN complete the stress cycle and your body can process the stress hormones in healthy ways. Here are a few I have personally used:

1) Just taking 3 to 5 deep, slow breaths. Start with breathing in for 5, hold for 5, out for 10, hold for 5… and repeat that 3 to 5 times. Make sure you’re breathing out until you literally feel your stomach muscles tighten.

2) Progressive Muscle Relaxation. This is where you isolate, tense, and relax specific muscles. Emily and Amelia recommended the added layer of doing this lying down on your bed and mentally visualizing the stressors as you tighten. Try to see yourself beating up and overcoming the scary, hard, challenging things that have your world on fire right now. Especially the ones that you feel powerless to change. And then when you relax, you let them go and imagine that those things no longer have a hold on you.

3) Exercising. This isn’t about “being healthy” or physical health goals. This is about increasing your heart rate and moving big muscle groups so that your body can physically process your stress. (Again, imagine beating up and overcoming those stressors.)

4) Crying. Now, you don’t want to “feed” your tears by continually reminding yourself about all of the things that you are feeling stressed and sad about. But if you are able to induce tears (either because you are watching a sad movie… PS I Love You always does it for me :P... or because you are overcome in a moment with emotion), once they are happening, begin to bring your awareness to the tears themselves. How do they feel running down your face? The very act of crying helps your body eliminate excess cortisol, and increases oxytocin and endorphins.

Now, the trouble is that if your stressors are still there even after you “complete the stress cycle,” the effects become temporary, and you are going to have to be on a continual journey of implementing these things until you can either remove yourself from the stressors permanently, or they dissipate on their own.

But doing these things (and reducing danger cues/increasing safety cues) will give you enough stability to show up for yourself and your child, step out of the Toddler Breastfeeding Stress Spiral, feel confident in setting boundaries with your toddler and others in your life, AND give you the clarity to make important decisions. (Which is really important when your world is on fire and the decisions you need to make carry real consequences.)

(If you could use some guided support for those moments right after a toddler meltdown when you feel like you’re about to lose it, check out Sixty Seconds to Sanity: Post-Meltdown Meditation for Moms.)

You Can Breastfeed, Wean, and Parent Well… Even When It Feels Impossible

I hope this post has given you some tools to use, and helped you know that you are not alone.

I successfully breastfed and weaned while deepening my relationship with my kids through seasons when my world felt it might just be burning to the ground. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t perfect. But I did it.

And I know that you can too.

You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this. If you’re looking for more support, my free Toddler Breastfeeding & Weaning Boundaries Guide will give you practical language for saying “no” to the feed while still saying “yes” to the need. And if you’re ready to go deeper, the Own Your Breastfeeding Story course is a journaling-based program designed to help you create the breastfeeding, weaning, and parenting relationship of your dreams in as little as 8 weeks.

Whatever season you’re in, I’m here. And I’m cheering for you.

Looking for more support with toddler breastfeeding boundaries? Check out my posts on gentle strategies for night weaning a toddler and what to do when your breastfed toddler hits when you say no to nursing.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can stress really affect my toddler’s breastfeeding behavior?

Yes. When you are stressed, your toddler can sense the shift in your energy and nervous system state, even if they can’t put words to it. Toddlers often respond to a parent’s heightened stress by wanting to breastfeed more, not less, because nursing is their primary source of comfort and co-regulation. At the same time, overwhelmed parents may experience more intense “touched out” feelings, nursing aversion, or the urge to wean suddenly. Understanding this dynamic can help you respond with compassion for both yourself and your child, rather than reacting from a place of stress.

What is the “stress cycle” and how do I complete it while raising children?

The stress cycle is a concept from Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s book Burnout. It describes the physiological process your body goes through when it encounters stress. Even after a stressor is removed, the stress response can remain “stuck” in your body if it isn’t physically processed. Completing the stress cycle means giving your body a way to release that built-up tension through things like deep breathing, exercise, progressive muscle relaxation, or crying. For overwhelmed parents, completing the stress cycle regularly (even in small ways) can reduce parental burnout and help you show up more fully for your children0 .

How do I know if I should seek professional mental health support?

The tools in this post are designed to help you manage day-to-day stress and regulate your nervous system. They are not a replacement for professional support. If you are experiencing persistent anxiety, depression, panic attacks, or trauma responses that are interfering with your ability to function or care for your children, please reach out to a mental health professional. You can find someone through the Psychology Today Directory, or by talking to your primary care provider. Asking for help is one of the bravest things an overwhelmed parent can do.